Wednesday, 28 November 2012


I have the desperate need to get out of my life and out of my head for a few hours, days or something.
Most of my life involves cleaning up after, taking care of, or trying to entertain my family. I feel like I am losing some of the things I like best about myself.
I want to do my thing without worrying about the rest of the household for a bit.  To do my crafting thing without one kid trying to eat the beads and wire, and the other trying to take off with them. To get some 'me' time without being afraid that the Monkey is painting with poop or dumping every bottle, can and bag of food and cleaning product he can scrounge into a big sludgy puddle to drive his cars through. That the Kitten is destroying another book or important paper that was somehow left within her ever increasing reach. That I am being neglectful or forgetting something important that needs to be done RIGHT NOW or disaster will ensue.
Yeah, I had another life once. I went to live rock band nights at the local bars. I spent hours playing with my beads and wire and clay. I stayed up late reading.
I am not sorry to be done with the remarkably stupid decisions, the crippling self esteem issues, and the debt producing spending habits of my misspent youth, but I really would like to find the real me somewhere in the mix. I feel slightly lost and afraid that this is it.
I will never have a chance to find out what I could really do with the business and art of jewelry making. My hubby is a good man, but he never really had much confidence in my ability to make money with my "hobby". He still talks about me getting a job when the kids are both in full day school. I should say to him that I want to do more with the jewelry, but when I rather tentatively bring it up, it becomes obvious that he doesn't believe in my little dream. So I drop it, not wanting to get into the inevitable argument over money and saving for a house of our own, a new car, stuff for the kids. I get that, I really do, but I end up feeling resentful and deflated just the same.
I still haven't figured out the whole balance thing. Kids, relationship, household, my stuff. Maybe I just never will. I really need to get over the restlessness, though. My temper is not helping. My patience is really shot.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Give a little bit

 This was my Facebook status on my page yesterday:

Today was busy. I managed to get to Michaels and the Petsmart after the Monkey got on the school bus and I dropped the hubby off at work so I could use the car today. Got home, put the Kitten in the living room to watch a little Treehouse TV, and went outside to shovel the walk.
My back is behaving itself today, I don't have a migraine, and no joints aching.
The weather is snowy but not too windy, so the cold isn't unbearable. So.

I started shoveling the sidewalk, and finished the 20ft or so that fronts our house in about 5 minutes. Then I noticed our neighbours hadn't made it out to do theirs yet, so I did that too. And I kept going. To the corner. About 8 houses down. It felt good. I have had a lot of people do me small kindnesses that made my day a little brighter, and I don't want to take that for granted. I know I notice the little things when I am deep in a low, and a smile when my mood isn't so good can make all the difference.
So today I shoveled a few people's sidewalks. I know it isn't much, but I hope that when people see that someone has done a little something for them, that they think about it when they have the opportunity, the ability, and the time to do a little something for someone.
It was nice because I was feeling good enough physically to do it. I like that I was able to be the giver today, because I so often am on the receiving end.

I am putting this here, because I realized what I was feeling was a need to connect to the world as a human being. To go beyond the special needs mom, stay at home housewife role, and feel like a part of the big wide world again. 
What I want now, and what I hope you will help me with, is other people's stories. If you have done some little thing for someone without expecting recognition or reward tell me about it here. I need to renew my belief in human beings. Whether you think of these as Random Acts of Kindness, as Paying it Forward, Karma, whatever. Tell me something nice you did for no particular reason. If you can't think of anything, then do something today, and tell me about it. You have helped me so much with your kind comments and support. Who else have you helped?

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Resenting normal

I have been reading a pile of blogs about who has the right to talk about autism, and who autistics and parents and caregivers should and do trust on the subject. I feel like a wanderer in the wilderness. Apparently, I am the NT person who cannot be relied upon to describe autism. I am "normal". Terrific. I am doomed to never understand, nor relate to, nor assist any autistic person, presumably including my son, possibly also my daughter. Perhaps if I defer to an authority who is autistic, I may be permitted to assist, ever keeping in mind that I will never be able to truly understand what my children are going through. It is similar to the concept that a man can never understand or be an authority on women's issues, a straight person can never relate to GLBT struggles, a Caucasian can never put themselves in the place of a person of colour.

So I can talk about my own, personal experiences as a white female straight married atheist depressive. I can never be an authority on any other condition or person. Do I sound resentful? Frustrated and upset? Do I even have the right to feel this way? After all, for the most part I am a part of the privileged majority that the autistic person feel excluded by, aren't I?  I don't want to sort my friends by their differences, into categories of opposition. I don't want to be ignorant, or hurt people by assuming I have some idea of their trials and triumphs. I feel useless and weak often enough.

Are they right? Am I just a condescending, delusional and misguided NT who is doing more harm while trying to help?