I'll tell you a secret.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how to be a wife and partner to my husband without subsuming my needs. I don't know how to talk about what's bothering me without it coming out as an accusation or a complaint. I don't know how to explain why I haven't done all the things when I really don't know why, other than the feeling of being so overwhelmed that I can't begin.
I don't know what I'm doing.
We just got a puppy. We have one hostile and one geriatric cat. I don't know how to get them all to get along, when the pup just wants to play, and the hostile cat hisses and spits every time he comes anywhere near him. I don't know how to house train a puppy, or get him to stop nipping at feet, or convince the children that the dog is just a puppy wanting to play, and not a danger or mean.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I have no idea how to be a parent, either to an ordinary kid, a special needs kid, or any kid. Every day I feel out of my depth, out of my comfort zone, out of my mind. I don't know how to engage my 6 year old, get him to practice his writing or do his PT exercises to strengthen his loose limbed body, or to eat enough decent food to keep him growing healthy. I don't know how to entertain my 3 year old, or get her to stop eating not-food, or convince her that communicating is in her best interests. I don't know how to get either kid to sleep well or develop good habits or avoid bad ones.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how to talk to people without sharing too much or too little, what appropriate topics of conversation are or how to interpret any but the most basic of facial expressions. I don't know how to keep myself from running from social contact or avoiding it altogether. I don't know how to take the rare successful social encounters and turn them into friendships. I don't know how to keep friendships going.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how to advocate for my children. I don't know how to navigate the maze of paperwork and meetings and therapists and doctors and teachers. I don't know how to keep my kids safe while ensuring their happiness and growth. I don't know how to walk the fine line of getting them educated while respecting their individuality.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how to keep the house clean, keep the kids safe and the pets from wrecking stuff, and still find time to breathe. I don't know how to keep myself focused and calm and functional when my brain is trying to destroy me. I don't know how to give myself "me time" without depriving my family. I don't know how to get help when my own disabilities overwhelm me.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm tired and scared and worried and angry. Because so many people are counting on me to get it right. Because I have to put on the hat of competent adult and live in the world, and reassure everyone that I can do this.
But I am not competent. I am not qualified for the position of wife, mother, friend, adult.
Because I don't know what I'm doing.
