Monkey's therapy provider cancelled his therapy yesterday without any real explanation. I assumed someone was sick or otherwise unable to make it, and didn't think too much about it, other than reorganizing my day around other activities.
My son's therapy provider called this morning and asked if I was available for a visit this morning. I am home all morning, so I said yes, and tried to tidy up to get ready.
The program coordinator and the family worker came to the house today to meet with me. They talked about setting up services and respite care and whatnot. All very polite and kind. Then the PC told me what I gather was the main reason for coming to see me today, at short notice.
Apparently, his therapists had complained that the floor and carpet in our living area were not clean, and because they work mostly on the floor, they were getting crumbs and cat hair and "stuff" on their clothes. They noticed the smell in Monkey's room, where he has been indulging in fecal smearing of late, and the carpet in there isn't very clean either. They talked about the mess from having pets and possible issues with cat boxes and contact.
The FW made some offers of pamphlets and contacts, and then some pointed remarks about how if I got some respite care for Monkey, perhaps I could take the time to take care of the hygiene problems they had pointed out. She mentioned that they wanted to help me get the situation under control before it became a crisis. That they wouldn't want to involve child protection services. Unless absolutely necessary.
The PC then asked if I was okay with all this, as she knew I was feeling overwhelmed before they told me this. She assured me that they didn't want me to feel threatened or upset, that they had to make sure their people were in a safe working environment. That she wouldn't send anybody out today either, but that they were sure I could get the place up to standard and ready to go for Monday, when she would be dropping by to see if all was done.
I managed to stay in control while I told them that I would get it done. That I was fine with it. That I would take care of things.
I can't seem to stop crying. I am a failure as a housekeeper, and I know I suck at it. I knew that before. I have tried really hard to get the place clean and comfortable so that his therapists could work with him here. I guess I am just not good enough. I have failed. I have failed so badly that my ability to provide a safe environment for my kids is in doubt. My in-laws are right. I am a lousy housekeeper, a lazy, unmotivated, incompetent person, I don't care enough about my kids to make more of an effort.
I want to shrivel up and die. I want to give up, even more than before. I haven't lost it completely yet. I met Monkey's bus, got Kitten cleaned up and fed them both lunch. For their sake, I am going through the motions of being a useful person. But I feel like I have already lost the game. Once again, I am judged and found wanting. This time by people who I need to please. I am a failure.
*Update* Thank you to everyone who posted in the comments with your support. I am doing better this morning, and dealing with what needs to be done. I am so glad to be a part of this community of bloggers. My husband reminded me of something: none of Monkey's therapists or workers have kids, let alone kids with special needs. While they work with these kids, most of them are fairly young, and they really don't get it. I got my feelings hurt because they don't seem to see the challenges, or that I am doing my damnedest to keep everyone happy, healthy and safe. Hopefully, this will pass. Worst case scenario is that we will be looking for a new service provider. I would rather stay with the one that Monkey knows, but we will do what we need to. For me, the worst fallout from all this is that my boy lost two days of his therapy because they didn't approve of my housekeeping. Whatever my hurt feelings are, that is a tangible loss from what is at the root a service that we pay for. So, I take a deep breath and move on. I am going to take the cleaning advice and see how it goes, maybe get back on the FlyLady wagon, and enlist my household to give me more of a hand. Thanks again to you all. It really is good to have people I can vent to who really get it.
I don't think it is nearly as bad as you think. You need to vacuum. Big Deal! My mother, a level 5 hoarder, raised me. And I am fucking awesome! Start with the cat pans....then do the rest of the floors. Your floors will never be perfect if he's smearing. But, vacuuming will probably address most of the issues they are concerned about.
ReplyDeleteBTW--I need to vacuum too. Especially my stairs. It is getting bad:( And I should do a better job since we fight lead poisoning. So hey--at least your kid isnt being poisoned by your environment.
DeleteI don't know about not being poisoned...do chunks of petrified hamburger count? I just finished cleaning the couch, and my daughter found some treats...ew.
DeleteWoah there! You are NOT a failure. Not everyone can keep their household up to white-glove standards. I'm sure your kids are happy and healthy. So you're house isn't as clean as you'd like. See if you can rent a carpet shampooer, and clean Monkey's room with a water, vinegar, and lemon juice mixture to help get the smell out. Move the cat box to a more secluded area and use baking powder in the litter to help with the smell. Because if your AD kid is anything like mine, you don't always have the time to change it every other day or more like you really should. I suggest investing in a lint roller, and a Swiffer Duster (they have microfiber knock-off versions at certain dollar stores, you can get the lint roller there too) it makes dusting easier and use the lint roller to pick up fur where the therapist will be before a visit. Dusting with a fabric softener sheet will clean and add a nice smell to your home to make up for the smell from the fecal smearing. I hate cleaning. I cannot stand it, and these are few quick, time saving and effective tips that I use. Hold a fabric softener sheet in one hand and run it along surfaces as you chase your kids while playing. And remember you are only a failure if you let yourself be. Let this experience motivate you. You WILL prove them wrong. You WILL prove all of them wrong. You CAN and WILL be an adequate housekeeper. You DO provide a safe healthy environment for your children. You can do this, keep your chin up and have faith in yourself.
ReplyDeleteThank you. We invested in a few bottles of essential oil and I made up some scented cold porcelain clay. That and the carpet cleaner and scrubbing the walls with baking soda paste has helped a lot. I am still not sure they are wrong. We spent a good 40+ human hours cleaning over the weekend, so that means it was pretty bad to start with. I have no idea if I can keep it up, but I am trying.
DeleteFuck em.
ReplyDeleteYou know those robot floor cleaners they vacuum while your out. Your kid puts his own shit on the wall; you think they could be a little tolerant.
My robot cleaner was sat on by the Monkey early in its life and has never been the same. Yeah, the stuff on the wall was the easy part...the stuff he smeared on the furniture, carpet and toys was the real fun ;) Thanks for that. It is good to have friends, on line and off who for some reason insist on standing up for me.
DeleteYou are not a failure. You just need to find a way. You can do this. Have you seen Flylady.net? I was a hopeless housekeeper until I found her site.
ReplyDeleteThank you Mac, and yeah, I have been off and on the Flylady wagon as often as the Weightwatcher's one. I really need to establish a routine.
DeleteFirst of all, as everyone else has said, you are NOT a failure. I actually went through something kind of like this myself for the first time about a month ago. I couldn't stop crying... Even though I knew that nothing I had done was wrong, I felt so... hopeless. I wanted to give up also. I've never been more scared in my life... BUT I woke up the next day and I was mad! It sounds like they were a little nicer to you than my sons therapist was to me.
ReplyDeleteMy first order of business was demanding a new therapist. And it happened. I even got an apology from the first one! The second thing I did was to take her advice... even though I didn't like it. The next therapist came in and saw that I took her suggestions even though I didn't necessarily agree with them, and it shows them that you are open to at least try things their way.
I know it sounds impossible, but try to get a good nights sleep, and deal with it tomorrow... when you're in a better emotional state!
HUGS!!!!
Thank you. I have been in such a funk anyway that this just hit me harder than maybe it should have. My hubby went straight to pissed off at the PC for me. I love him.
DeleteYou are most definitely not a failure! I don't understand why people have to be so judgy, especially having caught you on short notice.
ReplyDeleteIf at all possible, get one of those self cleaning litter boxes - they were my savior when we had two cats (now deceased, bless their hearts). No fuss, no muss, just dump out the little container when it gets full.
Run the vacuum (more than once, if necessary). Dog hair tends to creep up on me here, and before I know it fluff is everywhere.
My kids love to help with the cleaning, and my 9 year old aspie is aces at cleaning a bathroom (he's been doing it as long as I can remember). See if your little Monkey is interested in swiffering, or swiping a damp rag on all available surfaces.
Also, Febreeze is my very best friend before visitors arrive. I spray it literally EVERYWHERE.
Last, and most importantly, GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. Some days (weeks, months) we just have to do what we can to get through them.
Tomorrow is another day - don't waste your time or brain power worrying about crap that has already happened.
I keep hoping Monkey's enthusiasm with a broom is one day coupled with an ability to use it to effectively clean something :) He tends to spread everything out and knock himself and others on the head, but he does try, while singing "KEEEN UP! KEEEN UP! Evyevy weha!"
DeleteNOOO!!! You're not a failure!! Have you seen my post on Cleaning the House?? Do it. Go look at it. I like FlyLady (like Mac mentioned) but it's overwhelming. Too many deep details.
ReplyDeleteYou're not a failure. You just need a little help. <3
Your post on cleaning was awesome, and I have used it. I just get so bogged down with the details, and I truly suck at the big picture, so...taking a deep breath and starting over. And just maybe making an appointment with the doc to talk about adjusting my meds. Thank you.
DeleteI am guessing that if you are back to read the comments you have a moment to yourself. Deep breaths. Drink something hot. I'll tell you what my dad always says... This Too Shall Pass. Honey, we have ALL felt this way. Who really has the energy to clean after dealing with special needs all day?! You can do it, though... there are some great tips here. Sorry you are having an awful day. Please remember that there are all sorts of parents out there who know just how you feel.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I am getting better, I just need to get moving. I got pretty much paralyzed by the moment, and I am hopefully getting past it now.
DeleteYou are not a failure. Picking up after kids is hard but picking up after special needs children even harder. Then add a pet to it and well no floor is safe(or the bottom of feet). Recently my daughter and dog had a popcorn war and im STIll picking up popcorn. I have no clue where it keeps coming from either lol.
ReplyDeleteGood luck. Keep your chin up, and know there are many floors and houses in the same and probably worse shape!
Popcorn and Cheerios are self replicating, I swear. My daughter has followed in my son's footsteps and decided that everything tastes better if it has been on the floor, the longer the better, and preferably stepped on and covered in cat hair. I have swept, vacuumed, Swiffered and mopped, and 10 minutes later, the floors are crunching again. Life goes on. Thank you.
DeleteThe real failures are the people who criticize without offering any tangible help. This includes case workers and inlaws alike. If someone can see that your floor needs to be vacuumed, why don't they offer to vacuum it? I'm sure that in the time it took them to point out all of your "faults" they could have provided some real help instead.
ReplyDeleteWe all go through times when things are not as clean as we would like. If we have challenging kids, we focus on them, typically at the expense of housework. Putting your kids first doesn't make you a failure, it makes you a good mom! Yes, we need to catch up eventually, but things can get out of control in the mean time.
Run the vacuum, clean the cat box, take a few deep breaths. It's going to be ok. You'll get through this!
Still working on the deep breaths, and yeah, I should have asked if the PC was volunteering to help clean. My hubby and housemates pitched in, though, and that helped a lot. After 40+ hours of work, if the house hadn't passed inspection that Monday, I would have strangled the b*tch. Or something. At least most of the worst of my self loathing transferred to anger by the next morning. Thanks for listening. :)
DeleteI couldn't find your email address.
ReplyDeleteI'm not happy about your radio silence, if your still feeling crappy.
Mines is kisseesandwishes@gmail.com let me know how your doing??
oxox
Thanks Hannah. I finally got back to my blog after the situation sorted itself out. I have at last replied to the kind comments and thanked folks for the help. It is good to know there are people out there who are keeping tabs on me. ;)
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