Weak and weary

Rough week for America.

A man who legitimizes rape culture, homophobia, misogyny, racism, sexism, violence and hatred has been elected to the presidency.

So many Americans that I love are hurting. People wondering if their marriages will be valid tomorrow.  People wondering if their identities will be respected. People afraid that their religious affiliations will lead to loss of citizenship, freedom and safety. People who are disabled in some way are afraid that their basic needs as humans will not be met, that they will not be able to get appropriate health care, education, or housing.  People who are not white, straight, cisgender male, or Christian are afraid for their quality of life, their rights, their very right to exist.

I am a Canadian, so this will not be my leader. I am still traumatized by this election.

I watch as a man who has been accused of sexual predation and assault is put in one of the most powerful positions of leadership in the world.

I watch as a man who is used to coercing, manipulating, bullying and buying prestige, power, and privilege is given exactly what he wants.

I am autistic, as are my children. I am female. I have been bullied most of my life.  I have been the victim of molestation and rape, as a child and an adult. I am not a fighter. I am weak and frightened, and tend to use gentle words and avoidance as my strategies to avoid being hurt. I suppose I am a coward in many ways. My fear tends to paralyse me. I am pretty calm in an emergency, but will break down soon after, and violence terrifies me. I am physically and emotionally weak and vulnerable.

So, according to the kind of man Trump seems to be, I am of little value, a thing to be used should he care to do so (although I suspect I am too fat and old for his tastes), but then discarded, disregarded and degraded.

This is why this election has been so very terrifying, so very triggering for me.

Because I have experienced a great deal of bullying and abuse, and the one thing I had tried to forget about that experience has been shoved into my face again and it is not okay.

That one thing?

That the bullies always win.