No safe places

I am sad.
I know that isn't a very grownup thing to say. I am not feeling like a grownup today. In my head I am nine.
I was sexually abused by my friend's older brother when I was nine. I was confused and scared and didn't know what to do. It went on for about a year, I think. I told my mom. She said not to go over there anymore. I felt like I was to blame, for going over there when I knew he would make me do nasty things.The girl, his sister was really my only friend at the time. But I couldn't go there anymore. I wasn't safe there.
My dad was a rage addict. He never hit us, just yelled and screamed and gathered us together to tell us we were ungrateful, slovenly, useless, ugly, wasteful brats, and that he was ashamed of us, and we should be ashamed of ourselves. I was bad. I was to blame. I wasn't safe there.
I found a safe place of sorts. My room was mine, I could close the door, read a book, listen to music, hide, retreat, keep my ugly, horrible self and my ugly, horrible thoughts out of the view of everyone. Then I was assaulted by a boy I thought was my friend. It was my fault for letting him be alone with me in my room. I wasn't safe there anymore. 
When I had my own apartment, I was lonely, but safe for a while. I cried and no one told me I had to stop, to get control of myself. I managed my depression and OCD by cutting myself in highschool, but with the encouragement of a friend, I found a doctor I felt I could trust, went on meds that actually worked, and started to find a safe place in her office. She didn't tell me I was wrong. She said it wasn't my fault, and I believed sometimes. Then she moved to another city, and I didn't click with the person who took over her practice. I felt angry and abandoned, and guilty and ashamed for feeling that way. I had lost my safe place again.
Later, I moved in with my boyfriend, a wonderful man who would become my husband. I didn't really have a place of my own, but I could feel safe with him. But there were things I couldn't speak of with him, things I didn't want to hurt him with, things I felt stupid saying. So I went online, and found a group of people I felt I could trust and be around and not be judged. Eventually, we formed a group that I felt safe in. It wasn't a physical place, but it was a safe place.
In the last couple of days a huge drama that was a result of a misunderstanding and led to people taking sides, attacking on their blogs, naming names and getting uglier and uglier has unfolded in my 'safe' group. It escalated into one person inviting others to attack (yes, not physically, but still an attack) and others to defend. Then got angry and defensive with the defenders. I was upset because I admire and respect both parties. I got involved, I shouldn't have, my own fault,  I got hurt by my own choices, I am to blame.
I don't feel safe there anymore. I don't think I can emotionally manage the kind of conflict that has erupted.
So I am sad. And in my head my nine year old self is crying with me. And there is really no one to blame but myself.