Wednesday 9 January 2013

No safe places

I am sad.
I know that isn't a very grownup thing to say. I am not feeling like a grownup today. In my head I am nine.
I was sexually abused by my friend's older brother when I was nine. I was confused and scared and didn't know what to do. It went on for about a year, I think. I told my mom. She said not to go over there anymore. I felt like I was to blame, for going over there when I knew he would make me do nasty things.The girl, his sister was really my only friend at the time. But I couldn't go there anymore. I wasn't safe there.
My dad was a rage addict. He never hit us, just yelled and screamed and gathered us together to tell us we were ungrateful, slovenly, useless, ugly, wasteful brats, and that he was ashamed of us, and we should be ashamed of ourselves. I was bad. I was to blame. I wasn't safe there.
I found a safe place of sorts. My room was mine, I could close the door, read a book, listen to music, hide, retreat, keep my ugly, horrible self and my ugly, horrible thoughts out of the view of everyone. Then I was assaulted by a boy I thought was my friend. It was my fault for letting him be alone with me in my room. I wasn't safe there anymore. 
When I had my own apartment, I was lonely, but safe for a while. I cried and no one told me I had to stop, to get control of myself. I managed my depression and OCD by cutting myself in highschool, but with the encouragement of a friend, I found a doctor I felt I could trust, went on meds that actually worked, and started to find a safe place in her office. She didn't tell me I was wrong. She said it wasn't my fault, and I believed sometimes. Then she moved to another city, and I didn't click with the person who took over her practice. I felt angry and abandoned, and guilty and ashamed for feeling that way. I had lost my safe place again.
Later, I moved in with my boyfriend, a wonderful man who would become my husband. I didn't really have a place of my own, but I could feel safe with him. But there were things I couldn't speak of with him, things I didn't want to hurt him with, things I felt stupid saying. So I went online, and found a group of people I felt I could trust and be around and not be judged. Eventually, we formed a group that I felt safe in. It wasn't a physical place, but it was a safe place.
In the last couple of days a huge drama that was a result of a misunderstanding and led to people taking sides, attacking on their blogs, naming names and getting uglier and uglier has unfolded in my 'safe' group. It escalated into one person inviting others to attack (yes, not physically, but still an attack) and others to defend. Then got angry and defensive with the defenders. I was upset because I admire and respect both parties. I got involved, I shouldn't have, my own fault,  I got hurt by my own choices, I am to blame.
I don't feel safe there anymore. I don't think I can emotionally manage the kind of conflict that has erupted.
So I am sad. And in my head my nine year old self is crying with me. And there is really no one to blame but myself.

9 comments:

  1. I don't see how any of this could be your fault. The only thing you're at fault for is accepting the faults of others as yours.

    Obviously I can't tell you to be happy but I can remind you that "you're in charge of your own ship and while you can't control the water around you, you can choose to steer into safe or stormy waters".

    Hope you feel better soon.

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  2. I am very sad for the circumstances that have led you to this point but I'm glad you realise none of this is your fault.

    I'm not sure how much you have talked about this with your therapist in the past but what you're describing is a triggering episode. It sounds to me like the recent conflict has set off bad feelings from those past incidents. It is very common among those who have experienced abuse or trauma.

    You are obviously a survivor - I feel I can say that although I don't know you and was only introduced to your page today - but considering all you have endured, you have survived. You are still here.

    You have survived.

    I know I'm repeating myself but I hope that you can find some way to hang on to that.

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    1. Thank you. Now that the storm is over, I can breath again, and the pain recedes. I am a survivor. I really need to find a therapist again. In the meantime my online "support group" has been amazing.

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  3. This will pass, Carmen. I'm sorry you've dealt with so much, but THIS will pass. It's still safe. It's just heated...and emotional...and confusing. And we'll reach a happy place again. I guarandamntee it.

    Sorry this has made you feel uncomfortable. It's nice to have a place where people "get it".

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    1. Don't get all mushy on me, now, or I will get all weepy again. Yeah, it has passed. Sometimes the past kicks the present in the teeth. Everyone has issues. I need to work through mine some more, it appears. YOU have never been a problem. It was the shitstorm that rose around the minor incident that triggered something dark for me. I will be fine. I need to remember that my safe place is with my friends here, even if they don't always get along. Now send me chocolate to make me feel better.

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  4. I'm so sorry for all that has gone on. Know that there are people are here who still are safe and want to help and support each other.

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    1. I know I reacted over-strongly to all of the drama. I do that sometimes. I love my online friends, and it really gets to me when my "family" fights. But they have my back, too. That is a great feeling. Thanks for caring. And being there.

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  5. I'm so sorry for everything :( ((((YOU)))))

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    1. I should know better than to get involved emotionally in other people's battles. You are one of the folks whose sense of humour and understanding has made it easier to cope with the tough stuff. It is a lot better now, I guess I don't have to mention I don't deal well with hostilities between people I care about, even if I haven't "met" them :) I am doing a lot better now, and ready to go back to being a grownup again. Or at least as much of a grownup as I have to be.

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