Let him be

This is for my father-in-law. He won't read it, which is probably why I feel I can share this here.


 To his Grampa,

Today I was a coward. I watched you with your grandson, my little Monkey, and didn't interfere. He adores you, you know. He has been looking forward to this visit with growing impatience, and is thrilled to be here.

You sat with him while he watched TV. You sat, he did his own thing. He was really enjoying the show, Scooby Doo, I think, and began his usual exuberant run back and forth from his seat, flopping down to watch, jumping up in flapping, hooting excitement, running to the hall, running back to flop down again.

This is what they call in the autism world "stimming". Monkey's stims tend to be vigorous and physical, and a bit noisy. If you had a bouncier couch, he would probably be jumping on it like he does at home.

Every time he did this, you told him to settle down. When he didn't sit quietly to your satisfaction, you changed the channel. You did this, you said, because he was "overstimulated" and perhaps another program would be less so. Each program change was greeted with whimpers and protests from the Monkey, but he liked the next program you chose, so he settled to watch for a few seconds, before resuming his stimming.

Then you changed it again, same reason given. And again. Monkey grew increasingly confused and agitated. When the last kids' program you could find didn't "settle him down" you turned it to the news. Monkey broke down in tears. "Please my shows, Grampa" he pleaded. You said, "No, you are getting too hyper." "Sowwy, not do it again", his usual phrase when he knows an adult is displeased with his behaviour, whether he knows what he did or not.

I bit my tongue and didn't say what I was thinking. What I am writing now.

Let him be. Yes, he is excited. Why is that bad? He is not screaming or breaking things. He isn't slamming his head into the tiles hard enough to bruise. He isn't interfering with your enjoyment. He is being himself, with exuberant, unselfconscious joy. He does NOT need to settle down, relax, be quiet, be still. He needs to run, to laugh, to hoot, to flap and jump. He feels happy with his whole body, and his need to express it in an unusual way is not a problem.

We are working on "appropriate" behaviour. We try to make him understand that sometimes he needs to be quiet so as not to disturb others in their enjoyment of, say, a movie, or a meal in a restaurant. Yes, sometimes he needs to control himself.

But not here. Not when it's just him and his grandpa in the living room, watching a show he chose because he loves it. How can you not see the pleasure and joy in his stims? How can you stomp on the expression of pure excitement? He has plenty of time and places to practice fitting in, being respectful, being calm.

This isn't the time. This isn't the place. Just enjoy the moment. Watch him light up with happiness at watching a show with his grampa.

Just let him be.